I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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