At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
