No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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