I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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