I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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