Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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