hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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