allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
