Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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