Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
