Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
