I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
