Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
