Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
