I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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