I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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