YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize