happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
