i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
