maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sex in the backyard? Check.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize