I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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