my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
