Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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