Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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