Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
