So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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