My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Randomize
