Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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