shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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