I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
