I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
