And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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