i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
