I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
