Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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