Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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