Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
