You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
As shirtless as possible
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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