i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
