Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
