Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
