Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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