just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize