I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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