My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize