Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
