....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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