I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
