they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
