i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
