hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
