no, he came in my armpit
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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