can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
