She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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